Tag Archives: Humor

1/2/2013 – What the hell is up with people anyway?

I realize I am old, decrepit and otherwise un-hip in a plethora of ways. However I also realize that my kids were not raised to be disrespectful or to make inappropriate requests to anyone, much less someone their parents’ age or more. And my brother and I were certainly not raised like that either.   So why is it that when I sign on to a seemingly innocuous site like Meet Me in a moment of boredom while waiting in line at the movies, I am suddenly hit upon by all manner of trolls? It is even worse on so called “dating” sites like Plenty of Fish. I got lucky once on that site – had a decent relationship and lots of fun until things weren’t fun anymore. Other than that one guy, trolls!

bad date

Bad Date

 

 

Troll Variety 1: Younger guy hitting on older woman.  By this I mean much younger guy around my kids’ ages chatting up me. Flattering, sure, until it turns creepy. They start out asking about general stuff like any other contact. I ask them why they are chatting up an old broad, and the usual response is something like “I like older women. They are smarter, funnier, sexier, better in bed…”  All of which are undoubtedly true. I can’t really speak to that because I have never had sex with an older woman. However, these young guys quickly progress to asking for photos. Not just a head shot, but “send me pix of you in something sexy” requests. Quickly as in a matter of a couple of days and maybe three emails.  They pepper the email and the text with shirtless photos of themselves and in some cases pants-less. I just got one of a very nice looking young man in a towel. Seriously. An unsolicited towel picture to a woman old enough to be your mom.  That is an instant “See ya” from this older, smarter, funnier, sexier, better in bed lady.

guy in a towel

Unless this is really you in a towel, don’t send it to me unsolicited.

 

Troll Variety 1A: Younger and demanding guy hitting on older woman.

Similar to Troll 1 but with a twist, this young man pressures for “dates” early. And presses and presses.  They don’t seem to know how to take “no thanks” or “maybe some other time” for an answer. Nor do they take “how about a nice, well lit public place frequented by cops” as an answer. I suspect these guys are trying to set people up to get mugged, raped or worse, especially when they become somewhat verbally – or text-ally – abusive when turned down. Why do they think this tactic will work, and intimidate me into meeting them in a dark alley downtown or something?  I don’t care how hot their unsolicited towel pictures are, it isn’t happening.  And no, they cannot buy me a drink and roofie me on a first meeting, or a second. I prefer to stay sober and in control of my faculties when scoping people out. Intoxication with others requires a certain level of trust.  These fellows love love LOVE sending virtual gifts, especially the naked or near naked variety. I have a fairly good collection now of virtual breasts, butts, camel toes, vibrators and naughty French maid outfits. Also, please don’t start conversations on email or text with “Hey ya ho, how are you?” and don’t refer to women as “bitches” or “ho’s.” Bitches don’t like that.

bitch

Get back. Bitch you don’t know me like dat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Troll Variety 2: Inconclusive Photos.

These guys – I assume they are guys, because their profiles say they are guys – post non-identifiable photos as their only profile shots. I’ve seen college logos, race cars, motorcycles, hot rods, the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips and record cover art on profiles with absolutely no picture of a live human being. These guys contact me and start to chat me up, say they like my photo – a head shot – and ask for more pictures. Standard protocol for me is to ask for photos of them first, before I start dumping my hard drive into their email box. Besides that, very few decent and recent photos of me exist. I tend to look like I have the crazy eye in a lot of pictures, probably because I have the crazy eye. I also look fat – the camera adds way more than 10 pounds. Ice cream adds 40 or so. Anyway, few photos and most of those are with family members.  When with family members I don’t wear lingerie and only lingerie, and I avoid wearing spike heels as a general rule. I might fall and break a hip. Usually my requests for real photos are ignored and met with more requests for photos of me.  I may be old but I know once something is on the internet it is there forever. I happen to not enjoy the though of me with too much skin showing on the internet. In fact I find it rather nauseating. It is also not great for job seekers. So guys, no, I will not send you an identifiable photo of me wearing nothing but a smile and a pair of heels.  I can send you pictures of Monica Bellucci in a corset for days, though, and that will likely make you happier anyway.

Bad profile pic

This photo tells me nothing

 

Troll Variety 3:  Mid-Life Crisis Guys.

These are the guys who have recently gotten divorced or who are just now getting back into the dating scene. They might be between 40 and 60, and usually are pretty decent guys. They have no social skills from being married for however long, but they are happy to show you their new truck, motorcycle, hot rod or photos of them doing some extreme sport. They are also prone to talking endlessly about their kids, and asking to meet a “good hearted, honest woman who doesn’t cheat.” That statement alone tells you about all you need to know about how their last marriage ended.  Hey guys, clue: Good hearted is a meaningless requirement. It is undefined. No one on the internet is going to claim to be a liar, so might as well not even ask. Just saying.  Dating hint for mid-life crisis guys: Develop some friendships with women about your own age, who will give you honest feedback and with whom you do not have a “want to date/bed” relationship. Develop your social skills, like having a conversation that does not involve moving back to your mom’s basement, buying your new motorcycle, or your unnatural relationship with your pet parrot/Chihuahua/chinchilla/whatever. I love my pets and kids, too, and will talk about them, but I have other interests and can speak about those. You should, too.  These guys are not so much trolls as desperately lonely souls, so I have more pity on them than most. I, too, am pitifully shy. That doesn’t seem to stop me from talking someone’s ear off once I get going.

Midlife crisis guy

Mid Life Crisis Guy

 

Troll Variety 3A: Mid-Life Crisis Guys Trying to Be Playahs.

These guys fit some of the variety 3 criteria, but like to post shirtless posing pictures of themselves in their profiles. I am thrilled you still work out at this age, and yes you do have nice biceps and still have a decent chest. Hooray. Put some damn clothes on, you’re not 25 anymore! Show me a picture of your degree, or your bank account, or your house (not the bathroom). Show me a picture of you smiling and doing something fun that doesn’t involve your bro-skis and some brew-skis. Show me a picture of you and your damn Chihuahua, you in clothes and the dog NOT in clothes thank you very much. Dogs in clothes on a man’s profile are weird, unless it is joke clothes for Halloween or for Dog Shaming.  Balance your profile with pictures of you in a suit, in casual clothes, in adventure or travel clothes, and maybe one swimsuit picture. And for Pete’s sake, ditch the Speedo and the thong bathing suits. No one is that hot unless they are on the Olympic swim team. I don’t need to be able to tell your religion by looking at your suit, know what I mean? These chaps send virtual “gifts” that tend to be romantic – roses, candlelit dinners, etc. – for about 2 days, then progress to “sex me up” type gifts. Delete, delete, delete. Send me a real gift, like cash or a good dinner out with good company.

playah

Midlife Crisis Guy Trying to be a Playah

 

Troll Variety 4: Truckers, Rednecks, Good-Ole-Boys and Hillbillies.

Something about my presence online seems to act like a magnet to stereotypical truckers, rednecks, hillbillies and good-ole-boys. I am talking about the ones with the Confederate flag as their profile background, pictures of them in the cab of their big rig. Their profiles read like a right wing militia wet dream recruit. Mine reads like an ultra liberal progressive hippie chick who is also a cop because that’s what I am. I even put things like “must be liberal and progressive and also tolerate cops” to warn off Troll Variety 4. I tried putting “no truckers, rednecks, good-ole-boys or hillbillies need apply” as the subject line one time. Didn’t work. I’ve concluded these types either cannot or do not read, only look at the photo and click “DATE ME.” They are also fond of sending virtual “gifts” that flash, glitter or otherwise annoy and have wildly inappropriate messages on them. One I got recently had a woman’s bright shiny red lips around what appeared to be a flashing banana, and the words “lick me” on it in neon Broadway bulbs.  Classy.

Classy

Add some flashing neon lights and “lick me” caption, you’ll get the idea

 

 

 

Troll Variety 5: Hi, I’m married/it’s complicated/I’m in a relationship but wanna go have sex?

Really? How does your wife/partner/girlfriend/complicated relationship other feel about this? Might want to state up front “we are in an open relationship and looking for a third” or “we are in an open relationship, you are hot and I want to play around” or hell, just go with “I want to cheat, you look like you could do with some cheating, let’s hook up.” Some of these scenarios may be do-able, and you may be do-able, but as a rule I try not to be a home wrecker. It seems to be bad karma, as my own marital record will attest. Also, read my damn profile. It asks “what are you looking for,” and one of the options is “casual hookups.” Note I have not checked that one or added it to my profile. Their might just be a reason for that. Something to consider, gentlemen. Now, if you are single-single, hot, non-trollish, and put it right out there that you think I’m hot, here’s a pic and you are hot, and you want to casually hook up – say that and we can negotiate I guess. Maybe. Not in a dark alley downtown, though.

not a good pick up line

I can do you all night baby. I’m nocturnal.

 

Unclassified Variety: Getting Hit on by Women:

I can’t really speak to this, because it hasn’t happened much other than “let’s be friends.” Friends are cool. Friends with benefits are cool. Chicks are cool. I am not opposed to any of these options in particular, I just don’t have the experience to rant about it. Maybe I will get my chance one of these years.

kissing

Who could object to pretty girls kissing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, you might ask, what IS the ideal dating/meet up site profile in this woman’s opinion? And how to proceed once you have acquired a target?

1. Be honest. Just honest. If you’ve been married multiple times, say so. If you have PTSD, or only one eye, or an unnatural attachment to your Chihuahua, say so. Let me decide if I can deal with the real you before you spend any money or time on me.

honesty

Honesty is important.

 

 

2. Post real photos, preferrably ones taken in this century. Ones taken this year, at your current weight and hair style are good, too. Post a few – work attire, casual attire, dressed to the nines, goofing off. Let me see the real you shine in those pix.

ecard

I haven’t done anything interesting in 15 years

 

 

 

 

 

3. Complete your profile. Put enough information out there for me to determine whether I even want to talk to you. If I

don’t I won’t. If you don’t have enough information to even start a conversation, I won’t even try.  Make more money than me. This is really easy, because I have zero money and work really hard just to not go under water.

4. Read my profile before contacting me. If we don’t match well, move on. Just move on to the lady who wants a good ole country boy to call her own. If you can’t read, don’t join online sites that pretty much are based on …. reading.

This guy

Don’t be this guy

5. In your opening salvo, start with something witty like “Hey, I read on your profile that you like going to the Parade of Homes. I LOVE going there, too, and can’t wait for the one in the spring. What do you like most about it? I’m always looking for friends to go with, because it is not everyone’s cup of tea.” Or something that relates to the profile. I put plenty of information out there to make it easy for you to find something of mutual interest to remark upon. Promise. 

6. Start with non threatening emails or chats. Wait to see if there is a connection before asking for a phone number to text. Text a few days before ASKING “can I call you?”  Talk on the phone a few times, maybe starting to bring up meeting in person and working on making plans. Go slower than it seems necessary – I have made this mistake, and it ruined a perfectly decent relationship by moving too fast and pushing too hard.

7. Make your offer of a first meeting something tangible, like “Hey, would you like to meet up at Sheridan’s Unforked on 119th and Metcalf on Tuesday around 7:30? I’d love to meet you in person.”  As opposed to “So, can we meet sometime? What do you like? ” This implies it is all on me to set up the great ideas, and I may not have any. I can usually answer a yes or no question, and most days can even suggest an alternate if the first idea won’t work. “I can’t do Tuesday because I work, but how about Sunday instead? I love ice cream!” Understand I have zero money, so make it clear if you will be paying or not. If it’s a free thing, say “Hey, Free Admission night at the Nelson-Atkins! Let’s go!” or something.  Keep paying and being obvious that is what you are asking for (“Let me take you to dinner at this fabulous tapas restaurant”) or coming up with free ideas, so I don’t feel pressured to have to cough up money I don’t have to reciprocate.

8. Try to at least appear less awkward than I am, and less shy than I am feeling. I want you to be strong and outgoing and confident to some degree, and I am lazy enough not to want to do all the talking. Have a game plan of stuff to do or talk about, a path to lead me down as it were.  Long awkward pausesare long, and awkward, for both of us. I will try to do the same. Try to listen when I am talking instead of planning what you are going to say next. I’ll try to do the same. Make occasional eye contact, but don’t be all stare-y creepy. Dress appropriately to the setting. Bathe and brush your teeth – on a regular basis. Chew with your mouth closed. Don’t have previously undisclosed meth-mouth.

meth mouth

Don’t have meth mouth, or a spiderweb tat on the front of your mouth. Don’t me this guy.

 

9. Keep it to under an hour the first time, unless things are going really really well. This is why casual is good at first – easier to escape. If you think you might want to see me again, ask if you can call me in a day or two. If you think it is not a good match for heaven’s sake say something but be nice about it. “I really enjoyed meeting you and having ice cream. You seem like a really nice person, but I just don’t feel much chemistry. I’m sorry. But I am sure you will have good luck with finding someone. Would you like to keep in touch with an occasional email to see how each of us are doing in the market?” or something is better than nothing. I tend to text after a first meeting with “thanks for the ice cream, it was nice meeting you” and leave it open. Crickets in the night as a response is tacky. If you think things went great and say so, and I think not so much, I will say “I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling the chemistry, but I really appreciate meeting you. ” I generally try not to kick you in the balls for asking me out and not being the person of my dreams.

getting it in the nads

America’s Funniest Home Videos, summarized in one photo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Keep the PDA down until we are sure we are a “thing.” Asking “can I have a hug?” after the first – and possibly only- meeting is a bit pathetic. Diving in for tonsil wrestling is too forward. Either one will likely net you a spot on my blocked list.

public display of affection

Laying on one’s partner in public is considered too much PDA in some cultures

 

11. Deal wtih my cussing by cussing -lightly. Don’t worry, we can both cuss more as we get to know each other better.

Most of all, don’t be a troll, a bully, a jerk, a play-ah, a tease or an all around asshat. I will do my best to do the same.  

Don't be an asshat

Asshat. Don’t be one.

 

 

 

 

 

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Homeowner Woman Conquers Again!

Welcome to the never ending fun in the Annals of Homeowner Woman. Sadly, the first year and a half of Homeowner Woman was not fully documented, due to the brainpower constraints of Yours Truly. Now, that has been at least partially corrected with the assistance of Homeowner’s Daughter aka Goddess of All Webthings, Marketing, Blogging, Googling and SEO-ing stuffs. I will think of a clever acronym or something eventually.

In any case, moving along. Homeowner Woman was initially Single Apartment-Living Woman, who relied on the maintenance dudes to solve problems bigger than changing the light bulbs. Eventually, she began to learn primitive skills, such as picture hanging, refrigerator defrosting, and -near the end – changing the washers in faucets to fix drips.  I know. Amazing, right? 

SAL-Woman decided to go big, go bold. Buy a house. A duplex, anyway, but a house, not managed by a landlord, or a company, or another person. And without the help of any Homeowner Husband, Boyfriend, Spouse, Significant Other, or even nearby friendly neighbor trustworthy enough to be allowed in the HOW’s home.  No tools to speak of either, except a basic hammer, screwdrivers (one of each kind), pair of pliers and a few of those adorable and clever little compartmentalized boxes of things sold at Home Desperate and such – the hanging stuff collection, the hammering stuff collection, the screwing stuff collection. Those sound dirty. Truly, though, they keep HOW from becoming Cluttered Homeowner Woman, or CHOW. I think you, Dear Reader, can see a few reasons why CHOW would not be flattering.

kit

Cute little girly  hardware kit

 

 

 

 

So we packed up the truck and moved to …Gardner, KS.  But still, it’s a decent-ish duplex,   more than big enough for me, the dog and the 3…4 cats. Early successes included moving in without breaking anything or any one. Getting rid of the boxes, and saving the important boxes like the one for the HDTV. Very important.  Getting rid of the 6000 bags of newspapers used to wrap stuff. Recycling this paper and those boxes, by the way. Go green.

house

Duplex. 1/2 a house.            Stunt double.

 

 

 

 

HOW successfully set up her HDTV and DVD player, including surround sound, without intervention by any XY chromosome-enabled humans. Granted, it took perhaps three times longer than it would have if an XY did it, and HOW had cleverly labeled each wire and plug, with its corresponding slot or plug in, prior to taking the system down at the apartment. And said previously put together system had been set up by HOW’s mechanically inclined son in approximately 15 minutes of work. But HOW did it. She pushed forward into the unknown lands. She set up and configured her wireless internet connection, including a new router. What wonders were this! She knew her own password for the wireless, for lo she had created it herself.

comcast

This did not happen

 

Other early successes came, like setting up the collapsible compost bin. One would think unfolding 4 sides of a cube, into a cube shape, and setting in on the ground would be easy. One would be wrong, if one were thinking of HOW.  A few small treelets were planted, to start giving shade to the vast open expanse of the back yard. Granted, such shade will only come after several years, but at least Yours Truly remembered to Call before She Dug. Advertising works. HOW also purchased, installed, and used a hose to water the treelets. Sadly, said hose was too short to reach the far end of the yard – and the compost bin, which required water. A second short hose was acquired and successfully joined with the first, solving the problem.

boom

Call before you dig. Otherwise this could happen.

 

 

 

Later, as HOW became more adept at finding her way around the house without a map, she began experimenting with using tools. Tool Using Home Owner Woman (TUHOW). She was brave. Brave-ish. Pretended to her friends she was brave, and only reported on successes. Stop judging.  HOW hung pictures, and invited her Dear Old Dad to help with the big ones that were high on the vaulted ceiling-side wall. Dad enjoyed participating, and did a great job. He also helped hang the smaller gallery pictures in a neat grid pattern in the Mistress Bedroom, and gallantly pretended to be impressed that HOW had purchased a level, a T-square, and a yardstick to assist with the grid. HOW did not tell Dad she Googled it, but whatever.

shower

Stunt double shower massager

 

 

HOW became courageous, and purchased a handheld Shower Massage thingie for the Mistress Bath. It sat neatly in the deadly plastic clamshell on the bathroom counter for months, as HOW eyed it guardedly. Put off by the nasty sharp teeth of the clamshell packaging, HOW did nothing but look at the directions, and “plan” to install the thing.  Finally, the Day of Installation came. HOW was off work for a period of time, and had already completed the other mundane tasks at the house. There were no more excuses. It was install or be ashamed forever. The time for being able to return the thing was nearing an end. HOW’s health insurance was possibly going to expire soon. It had to be done.  Carefully, using tree pruning snips, the pliers, and many colorful Anglo-Saxon farming terms, HOW extricated the foul beast from its lair. Once exposed, it’s long metal hose ominously curled on the floor, detached from its head and other connectors, the Thing looked even more scary than it had in its cocoon of heavy plastic. However, no blood had been shed and the cardboard sheet of directions was preserved, so HOW was pleased.

packaging

Stunt double bravely fighting clamshell packaging

 

 

 

The directions were spread on the floor and examined. They appeared to be written in HOW’s native language, and were accompanied by clever hieroglyphic drawings which seemed to give indication of how to reassemble the Thing and attach it to the Mistress Bath shower. First, the old shower head was removed, an easy enough process.  Then, HOW grasped the assembled Thing firmly about the neck and again about it’s rear-end attachment bit. Together, we approached the shower, and began installation.  Much to everyone’s surprise, HOW and the Thing’s especially, the Thing worked perfectly the first time. No sprays, nothing upside down. It just — worked.  HOW triumphantly threw the dreaded plastic clamshell, along with the directions, into the recycle bin, and proceeded to take a HAND HELD MASSAGE-Y shower.

Such went life for HOW for many months, tackling chores previously thought to be unattainable.  Wire shelving was purchased, and assembled, and loaded.  A misfiring dryer vent tube was rerouted and repaired – after some significant wrestling to move the dryer, and then impressive acrobatics by HOW to get into the tiny space behind the dryer to complete the quest. Duct Tape deserves an award for assisting in this repair job.  Advil and Ice also get honorable mention.  More trees, shrubs and even a rose bush were installed in the back yard, and did surprisingly well given the harsh conditions they faced in the summer. More bits of furniture were acquired, assembled, arranged, used.

hosed

Bad dryer hose, no biscuit

 

 

All of which brings you, Dear Reader, more or less to the Present Day. The handheld shower Thing had sprung a leak, at the attachment end. This resulted in spraying water on the ceiling of the shower enclosure, which HOW recognized would quickly lead to the ceiling texture coming down. That would lead to a giant mess in the bathroom, followed by an untimely need for a bathroom remodel, the likes of which HOW could in no way afford. Nearly simultaneously, HOW observed gaps around her doors, even when shut, which seemed to have appeared since the last winter. The weather having suddenly turned cold, this presented certain difficulties such as astronomical utility bills – even larger than the already large utility bills.  HOW pondered less than a day. The way ahead was clear. HOW went to the local hardware store, staffed by many informed locals, containing only a few aisles of necessities. This was a far different experience than HOW had at Home Desperate, where there were multitudes of aisles of every variety of thing, gadget, bit, part, materials, and other things, and said to be staffed by the mythical Sales Associate. 

dude

Helpful Hardware Man

 

HOW bravely entered the hardware store, scanning the aisle labels. She quickly and efficiently located the plumbing aisle, and fended off a helpful sales-dude. HOW knew what she needed, and informed SD she was headed to get plumbing pipe tape. Perhaps this was the incorrect terminology, as SD pointed her to the correct aisle anyway, and identified the tape. HOW agreed this was what she was in search of, and obtained the necessary tape. She thanked SD, and went on about her search. She located the weather stripping section, identified and obtained the necessary material after only a few moments of reading the labels to determine the proper course of action. After returning home, HOW unattached the shower Thing, rapidly utilized the tape to bind it’s inner wounds, then reattached the Thing to it’s mooring. A quick check, and success was hers! HOW had stopped the Thing’s spewing fluids all over the Mistress Bathroom. 

Emboldened, HOW immediately moved on to the next task – filling the gaps between the doors and the outside. Bolstering her castle against the vagaries of the harsh environment known as Kansas. Fortifying her mansion to hopefully keep the lights on another few days each month. The weatherstripping was deceptively easy to install and use. Deceptive, because it did not take into account the actions of Cats. Cats, being small, furry, woodland and desert creatures, are naturally drawn to the Outdoors. To them, it is a mystical wonderland, glimpsed heretofore only through glass, or on brief, highly supervised outings in an enclosed area. 

hottie

Weatherizing hottie not included

 

 

 

Cats, seeing HOW with the Door to the Outside open, and HOW engaged  with the tantalizing Crinkly-Paper-Long-Thing CPLT), conferred. They decided to send one of their number to make a run for it, to see if she could attain Freedom in the Outside, while HOW was observed by the others, and occupied with her task.  The youngest of the Cats, Miss India Inkbottom, only 8 months old, was selected for her speed, her smaller size, her legendary acrobatic ability, and her solid blackness – all the better to hide in dark places, the others thought. India eagerly accepted, and watched HOW for a time, gauging her best course. 

not my cat

Stunt  Double Cat Escaping

 

 

 

As HOW bent to affix the last of the CPLT to the door frame, India took her opportunity. Vaulting nimbly from the stair case, across HOW’s back, through the Door, she was Outside. Quickly, she took off for the neighboring foliage, and disappeared, before HOW could so much as stand up and turn around. The other Cats watched from the stair case, hardly deigning to hide their sneers at how easily HOW’s defenses had been breached by the brave India. HOW was clever, though, and unlocked the door handle, before shutting the door in the faces of the Cats. Taking with her the remains of CPLT, including the inner spool, HOW obtained the Intriguing Long Stick from the back porch. ILS had been used to entertain Cats on the porch in the past, and might be useful in luring India back to the house.

cat toy

Upgraded version of ILS + CPLT device

 

 

HOW used her superior Cat tracker skills, and located India by the rustling in the dry foliage. The ILS with the CPLT attached to the end was deployed just outside India’s hiding place, and dragged ever-so-tantalizingly along the ground, twitching, twirling, teasing. The Cats had chosen their scout well, she had escaped in the blink of an eye. They had failed to account for her youth and curiousity, her inability to resist the new and interesting. This proved to be her downfall, as she emerged from hiding to chase the infernal device. HOW quickly nabbed the escapee, who complained bitterly to all who would listen. She was returned to the Inside, the the horror of her companions. HOW was merciful, however, and allowed India and the others to have some quality time inside with the ILS+CPLT device.   Mollified, they quieted down, and did not attempt to escape while HOW completed the second door.  Thus did HOW triumph on three fronts this day: Triumph over injury to the shower Thing, triumph over Cats, and victory over the invading elements of Outside.

victory

Triumph! (Body Double)

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WTFery Favorite Links, and some serious WTFery from the Interwebs 12/2/2012

12/1/2012: I…I have no words. Except maybe “ew”.

Life-sized chocolate baby heads are this season’s creepiest confection:

From the IO9 article by Lauren Davis: “For the cannibal with a sweet tooth and a strong stomach come these massive white chocolate sculptures sculpted to look like infants’ heads. Want to keep yourself from overindulging in sweets this holiday season? Every time you pick up a piece of chocolate, imagine on of these creepy things staring up at you.” Indeed.

Chocolate Baby Heads

Seriously. WTF. Life size chocolate baby heads, this season’s most ….WTFish confection.

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The line between science, humor and straight-up WTF-ery is blurry at best. An article on a site calling itself accelerated-bsn.net gives us x-rays and brief information about just this, in an article called “10 Shocking X-Rays of Sharp Objects Imbedded in People’s Bodies” . I guess potential nurses need to know this stuff, so they don’t screech in horror when – not if – they see these patients show up in the ER. Ouch. My question is, why do you need x-rays to determine the patient has a 3 foot sword stuck in their head, when the patient is sitting in front of you…with a 3 foot fracking sword stuck in their head! That’s how WTF-ery won out over humor and science. Because seriously, WTF? Don’t run with scissors.

Ouch

Scissors imbedded 3 inches deep in face.

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11/29/2012:OMGPDAXPQLOLBBQ only 25 shopping days till Christmas! Everybody panic! Spend money you don’t have, on stuff they don’t need, to show them you love them. Engage in mass marketing Pavlovian excess or feel like less than human! OK, perhaps that is just a tad overdramatic. I like getting presents as much as the next troll. I even actually like giving presents, especially if the recipient likes said presents. I hate hate HATE shopping in crowded places, however. Black Friday shopping appalls me, and makes me vaguely nauseous just thinking about it. I prefer to do all my shopping online, and only venture to places like Target during the non-holiday periods, and then only for necessities. I like deals, and sales, and discounts, and free stuff. Here are some savings codes at various places, for your OMGBBQLOL shoping.
Shop TaylorGifts.com for Free Shipping over $75. Ends 12/31/12. Use Promo code AFTGFS75.
Shell Shocker! Exclusive Daily Deals- the jaw-dropping savings will leave you in shock at Newegg.com
e.l.f. cosmetics Gift Cards make the perfect gift! Shop Gift Cards now!
Shop over 100 products under $25 at AdamEveToys.com! Shop Now!
Great Gift Idea! SAVE 10% OFF All Wine Recipe Kits from Midwest Supplies! Use promo code: MidwestHoliday. Offer valid 11/27/12-12/17/12. Click Here!
Find gifts for under $20 from Marbles the Brain Store.
Save up to 50% at The New York Times Store Winter Clearance Sale
Save Up to 70% on Sale Items at ChineseLaundry.com
Free Shipping Over $49 at PlanetShoes.com
Garden.com Clearance – up to 80% off!
Save big on children’s Christmas storybooks at Booksamillion.com. As low as $1.97! Shop today.
Buy 1 Get 1 50% Glassware from Spencer’s! Offer ends 12/26/12. Shop now!
Blowout Toy Sale, 75% Off
Printfinders.com Save 15% off entire site until December 15, 2011.
Great selections for the home or office. Use Promo code “PF15”

Links to some awesome WTF-ery Sites

 

FARK.com – a true classic, brought to you by Drew Curtis. A news aggregator site that bills it’s stuff as “not news”, among other things. Bookmark it. Subscribe to TotalFark for the best hilarity. http://www.fark.com/

Dark Roasted Blend – heavy on steampunk stuff, but also has awesome links to photos, videos, blogs, etc. http://www.darkroastedblend.com/

I Love Bacon – mostly poorly thought out signage, also some jokes and just funny pictures. http://www.ilovebacon.com/

Neatorama – one of my favorite sites for just about everything. Science, Humor, History, WTF-ery. Definitely bookmark worthy! http://www.neatorama.com/

Very Demotivational Posters – Sick of those posters at work “Courage”, “Integrity”, “Teamwork”? This site parodies them with user-uploaded content. Often WTF, almost always funny. http://memebase.cheezburger.com/verydemotivational

Failblog, another “cheezburger” family site, is reliably WTF. Showcases the weirdest of the weird, the failiest of fail. http://failblog.cheezburger.com/

Rotten.com – For serious WTF-ery, and NC-17/NSFW content, gross stuff, really weird news, the classic is http://rotten.com/

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Links to some awesome WTF-ery Sites

FARK.com – a true classic, brought to you by Drew Curtis. A news aggregator site that bills it’s stuff as “not news”, among other things. Bookmark it. Subscribe to TotalFark for the best hilarity. http://www.fark.com/

Dark Roasted Blend – heavy on steampunk stuff, but also has awesome links to photos, videos, blogs, etc.  http://www.darkroastedblend.com/

I Love Bacon – mostly poorly thought out signage, also some jokes and just funny pictures.  http://www.ilovebacon.com/

Neatorama – one of my favorite sites for just about everything. Science, Humor, History, WTF-ery.  Definitely bookmark worthy!  http://www.neatorama.com/

Very Demotivational Posters – Sick of those posters at work “Courage”, “Integrity”, “Teamwork”? This site parodies them with user-uploaded content. Often WTF, almost always funny.  http://memebase.cheezburger.com/verydemotivational

Failblog, another “cheezburger” family site, is reliably WTF. Showcases the weirdest of the weird, the failiest of fail.  http://failblog.cheezburger.com/

Rotten.com – For serious WTF-ery, and NC-17/NSFW content, gross stuff, really weird news, the classic is http://rotten.com/

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